Pay as You Go

"Whenever you make a mistake, own up to it. And if you get punished for it even after that, you were not in the right place to start with"
Malcolm Smith

How many times have you made mistakes that you payed dearly for? How many of those times are you still paying for those mistakes you made? Yes, join the gang. I've been there and done.. er, doing that even today..

Yes, that one impulsive move. That one irrational decision. Or even that one choice that seemed perfectly logical at the time. It seems to make all the difference at the end of it all. After the cookie crumbles, one looks back amid all the misery and destruction that a seemingly innocuous thing led to. Or are we attributing too much to that one time? Maybe not, you've probably built upto that one for a while now. It's the snowball effect, and at the time you've taken this ultimate turn, you've probably created an avalanche out of it anyway. The nail in the coffin is drilled, but hey.. there was someone dead already which is why the coffin existed.

Your mind always concludes differently, though. You start evaluating 'what-ifs' and 'buts' that always lead to a whole labyrinth of hypothetical directions. But, there isn't any of that in reality. It is just the one path that has occured, and none of the other options matter in hindsight.

And there comes a day after all the denial and anger and consolidation, and the taste of the failure or suboptimal result of your path unfolds. You start living your life between reality and illusion, past and present. You shuffle back and forth between daydreams about another path taken and your current listless state. Psychologists describe an average human's life as constantly being in a state of slight displeasure at one's current state and urge to belong to another state. In your case, it turns to strong displeasure at your current state, due to the knowledge that your decision led to it all!

The power in your hands.. It was with you when you made that choice. That ruins your peace of mind and hours of sleep go waste trying to figure out why you didn't take the blue pill! You feel like finding the guy who said "Trust your instincts" to give him a piece of your mind. You tried that and it led you off a cliff.

Your whole life lies ahead, much different from how you'd envisioned it. All your plans need resketching now. What about all those dreams? "Well, make new ones", they will tell you. If it were only that simple to redream dreams!

Days, weeks and months go by and you finally see the light of day. Sleepless nights and repeated questions don't haunt you anymore. You have realized that you can live without some things that seemed like a part of you. You've changed, and become stronger. You live your life oblivious to the mistakes you once made, blaming it on the age, the state of affairs in your life at the time, or other extraneous factors. And it doesn't matter anymore, as you've moved on. Coz you've learnt from your mistakes, and given yourself another chance. Life's forgiving that way, you always get another chance to do things your way. It may not be the same thing you get in reward, but it more often is something better!