I wake up feeling groggy and restless. I close my eyes again, as if hoping that it presses the play button back on a paused dream. But I can't remember one. What else could it be, I reason... Family, friends, Work. I run through a mental list of everything that affects me. No, nothing that stands out...
Yes, it is what I dread the most. I look at my phone and turn away in disgust. The flood gates suddenly open to release a multitude of emotions. It hits me, and hard. I feel a shooting pain in my head. It feels like a terrible vodka hangover, one that reminds of those days months ago when we would finish a Smirnoff bottle in a night!
I wake up reluctantly, trying to ignore the weakness that plagues every muscle of my body. Only this time, it doesn’t have to do with even a shot of alcohol. Apples and oranges (coming soon), the brilliant theory that I preached seems eerie now, knowing that I almost predicted my own future unknowingly. I try to think of the series of events that led to this day. There's just no use going thru that film-strip. Any amount of reason and logic will not rationalize the situation, I realize. I just have to accept it and take it as it comes.
I pull myself out of my room, and walk down the flight of stairs leading to the restaurant for breakfast. I've hardly eaten 3 spoonfuls when I feel like puking. My appetite, it seems, has given up on me... I ditch the food, drink loads of water and head to work. As I reach my workplace, I run up the last two steps that lead indoors, faking a spring in my step.
Barely were the morning greetings done, when one of my colleagues remarks, "Are you unwell?”. "Uh... No, I'm great", I reply flashing my best effort for a smile. I take out my phone, trying to divert any more questions on the topic and move aside. My phone is blank, no calls or messages demanding my attention.
I open my contact list and go thru it, as if to find something unexpected and appealing. I realize myself scrolling down and looking at it, but my mind is elsewhere. These are the days when one needs more work, I exclaim to myself. I involve myself in work that is definitely not part of my role. Stay occupied. I crack my jokes, and people laugh as they always do. I'm hoping that they don't notice that extra sting to my sarcasm, but it is all too evident to them.
After lunch, the group disbands for a short while. The smokers hit the nearby kiosk. The others conveniently get on calls, moving robotically in circles a few meters away from each other and the smoking group. I make a flash decision, choosing to join the smokers today. Yeah, one more cigarette serving its purpose.
The long day at work draws to a close, as my efforts to lengthen it draw stiff resistance from everyone around. They're probably thinking as I do too at times, "Just because my boss isn't in the best of moods, he expects everyone else to stay back as well". I don't want to keep them working any longer than they normally do, but my selfish motives get the better of me. After a threshold, I realize I'm actually stretching it. I call it a day, as they all breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Heading back to my room, I realize that I'm really in no mood for dinner. It's been close to 24 hours now since those events unfolded. The reality hits me hard. This is how my life is, and there's no respite at least in the near future. There's no fighting it, there's no crying over it. There's no reason or logic, no pity, no sympathy, no blaming, no resentment, no regret, no anger. I’ve long since risen above all this. There's a sense of nothingness inside me now... And I embrace it, for in this path lies maturity, morality and peace of mind. I move on knowing that I'm learning invaluable lessons... There's no point doing a post-mortem now. And there’s no 72-hour emergency contraceptive, no i-Pill to reverse what's happened. What's done is just that… Done!
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